


Tucker's Eleven

by springburn



Series: The Thick of It mini-fics [14]
Category: The Thick Of It
Genre: F/M, Love childbirth humour language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:12:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3948391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springburn/pseuds/springburn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've had several people wanting more of Malcolm and Sam. So this is going to be a mini fic, carrying on directly from 'A Close Shave'. Malcolm has just recovered from a perforated stomach ulcer (caused by years of irregular meals, satsumas, Fantas and Red Bull!) and Sam has just discovered she is pregnant for the second time! I think this one will be a bit lighter, a bit funnier and not so angsty!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tucker's Eleven

**Author's Note:**

> LAST PARA OF 'A CLOSE SHAVE'........
> 
> Malcolm was up early, showered and shaved. From the kitchen came the sounds of playing breakfast trains as he spoon fed Little Jamie.  
> Sam felt lethargic, still a little nauseous and bloated. A sudden thought jolted her from her reverie. Jumping from the bed, she went to the bathroom and started rummaging in the cabinet. Some ten minutes later there was a crash and an audible squeak. Malcolm bolted up the stairs two at a time, wondering what on earth was wrong.  
> He was met with the sight of his beautiful wife, standing, stunned by the bedroom mirror, backlit in the early morning sunshine, a positive pregnancy test clutched in her hand.......

TUCKERS ELEVEN.

 

"Oh my God, Malcolm.......this is ridiculous, how can this have happened.....again?!!"  
Her husband stared at her, speechless for a few seconds, then his mouth began to twist into a grin, which turned into a giggle, then full blown raucous laughter.  
" Seriously Malc.......it's not bloody funny!...... I'm never letting you near me again......one of us will have to have 'the chop'......or we're going to end up with a football team!!"  
"There's no one coming anywhere near my fucking bollocks...." He managed to blurt out, holding his stomach, where he'd chuckled so much.  
"Two children under two......Jesus Christ. It's going to be a nightmare!"  
Sam turned sideways and stroked the small roundness of her belly. Malcolm stood behind her and encircled her with his arms, placing his hands over hers.  
"It'll be great, it'll be fun. You won't be alone, I'll help you. We'll do it all together. Think how good they'll be for each other, being so close. Like me and Nance......"

It was Little Jamie's first birthday. A small party had been planned. Nancy came down from Scotland with her two children. Jamie, the godfather of the moment, was there; Sam's brother and his wife; Glenn Cullen (who had more than proven himself by supporting Malcolm during the conspiracy trial), Sam's best friend Ellie and a few other friends. The banter was only to be expected.....and it was mainly from Jamie, of course. There was no way he was going to miss the opportunity to have a field day with this news.  
"Fucking hell, Malc, your sperms must be like Trident Missiles! All those years of wanking don't seem to have done you any harm!"  
"Well, at least my dick works......you've yet to try yours out, since you can't find anyone to shag you!"  
"You seriously need to review your contraceptive methods.....Sam's meant to swallow the pill, you're not meant to balance it on the end of your cock! Or maybe there was a hole in your rubber?"  
"Or maybe, I'm just so hot, that Sam's ovaries exploded!"  
"MALCOLM!!!" Sam cried, blushing furiously.  
"So are you stopping at two, or are you going for Tuckers Eleven.....you randy fucker!" Said Jamie laughing heartily.  
"We're stopping at two," said Sam," Malc's going to have the snip."  
"No, Malc fucking isn't !" Malcolm retorted, handing his best friend a beer from the fridge.  
"I'm considering a cock-cage for him...." Sam retorted.  
Jamie snorted, and beer came down his nose.  
"That's the spirit, Sam, a bit of denial and submissiveness, that's what he needs!"  
"That'd just make me more horny than ever!" Said Malcolm, roaring with laughter.  
"This conversation is disgusting," Nancy chimed in. "I swear to God, Malc, your poor child's first proper word will be 'fuck'!"  
"I never swear in front of wee Jamie," her brother answered still chortling," he'll turn out fine Sis, don't you worry!"

 

Malcolm was in his study, writing an article for The Guardian. He was often asked to submit a piece, and usually obliged. Apparently the readers enjoyed his acerbic wit, in matters political.  
He emerged to find Jamie seated at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee.  
"Are you fucking moving in here with us or what?" He joked, clapping his friend on the back.  
It was true that Jamie spent quite a lot of time with the Tuckers. There were several reasons for this. One was his joy at being reunited with his best friend after their long hiatus, another was because he really liked Sam and was so glad to see the couple so deliriously happy together, and almost nauseatingly in love, and the other because Little Jamie was the cutest kid ever and Jamie adored him. There was also a fourth reason......  
"Ellie will be here shortly," Sam said, placing a coffee in front of her husband, as he joined them at the breakfast bar.  
Ellie, was an old university friend of Sam's. She was attractive, bright......and single.  
"Ah, I see....." chuckled Malcolm with a knowing wink to his wife.  
"Jamie, you should ask her out for a drink, or dinner," Sam poked him in the ribs.  
"Oh, I don't know," he replied dubiously, " I don't think I stand much chance with her. Bit outa my league!"  
"Rubbish!" Scoffed Malcolm.  
"She's single and you've been on your own for so fucking long, I was beginning to think you'd taken a vow of celibacy. You need a woman in your life, pal, you need to enjoy yourself and, ultimately, get laid!"  
Jamie blushed.  
"Ignore him," Sam said kindly, "ask her Jamie, what have you got to lose?"  
"Maybe, when she gets here, we'll take Little Jamie to the park. The four of us. Have some lunch in the cafe there, then you'll have time to chat, we'll be there to take the edge off, and you can ask her?"  
Oh, fuck! Okay then.....in for a penny, as they say!" Jamie looked like a rabbit in the headlights.  
"What's wrong with you, you prick, you're not scared are you? She'll fall for your charms, no trouble, you'll be inside her knickers in no time!"  
"Malcolm, you really are terrible! It's not all about sex you know!" Sam punched him playfully.  
"Worked on you!" He retorted. "Anyway, I'm only joshing....Jamie knows that!"  
"That'll be her now....." Said Sam, as the doorbell sounded.  
"Malcolm!" She said sternly, " behave!"  
Her husband looked suitably reprimanded.

Less than an hour later, the two couples were strolling along the gravel paths, through the trees. It was a glorious day, dappled sunlight danced through the new leaves, hardly a cloud in the sky.  
Jamie pushed his little namesake in the buggy, and Ellie walked beside him. Malcolm and Sam walked ahead, holding hands, they were touching shoulders and Sam laughed as she looked up into his face, his eyes creased in a smile as they shared a joke.  
"Look at those two!" Ellie remarked wistfully.  
"Yeah!" Jamie nodded, "lucky bastard.......novelty doesn't seem to have worn off does it?"  
"If anything, I'd say they've got worse!" Ellie laughed. "They just click don't they. They're just crazy about one another. I think it's lovely!"  
"He fucking deserves it darlin', he's had so much shite thrown at him. Those bastards practically bled him dry. Looking at him now, it's like a different guy. Although I knew him back in the day of course, before they turned him into a fucking android!"  
Ellie, turned to him and smiled shyly, as they headed in the direction of the small cafe, in the centre of the park.  
"You're fond of him aren't you?"  
"You fucking bet, he's about the only real friend I've got! We went our separate ways for a while, and I thought that was it. I'd never have contacted him, nor him, me....too proud.....but I've got Sam to thank for that. She's a diamond."  
"She is too, and she's my best mate.....we've been through a few mills together, I can tell you. She confided in me about Malcolm, ages ago, not long after she started working for him, then there was the Enquiry and everything. Funny how good things come from bad, isn't it?"  
Jamie was just about to reply, when he spotted someone in the distance that looked vaguely familiar.  
Malcolm and Sam slowed almost to a halt, and the two couples came together. Sam had already made the connection.  
"Fuck me! It's that wank-stain Reader, and the posh bird." Jamie exclaimed.  
"Now, you two boys.....be adults! We're just going to walk right on by!" Sam pulled Malcolm's arm a little closer to her. Ellie was intrigued.  
Ollie had, by now, spotted them too, and it was too late to pretend he hadn't!  
Both parties would have given each other a wide berth, but just as they were almost adjacent, one to the other, Emma remarked, in a loud voice....  
"Looks like the peasants are out and about today darling. Poor dear, ANOTHER child on the way too. I feel sorry for her!"  
Malcolm's jaw was set very tight, Sam could see the muscle working. His eyes blazed.  
However, it was Jamie who spoke first.  
"Well, if it isn't Harry fucking Potter! And Emma.....I didn't realise you'd gone on the game love, are times that hard?"  
Ellie, found herself suppressing a smile, she turned her head away slightly. Emma scowled. Ollie flushed scarlet.  
"I think your fuck buddy just insulted my wife," Malcolm's voice was very low and measured, as he addressed Ollie,  
"you should keep her under better control, Weasel, I suggest a gag. She could get you into a lot of deep doo-doo!"  
Reader was flustered, and he was furious with Emma.  
"Malcolm, I .........."  
"Mr. Tucker, to you, fuck-Bob! How's your little pal Brewer? Still forging photographs? Oh know....wait.....I forgot, he's still inside!"  
Without waiting for a reply, Malcolm lasered his vicious gaze, back to Emma....  
"You've made a boyfriend error, darlin'......this guy hangs around with some nasty, lecherous ball sacks!"  
Emma was about to come back with a retort, when Jamie and Malcolm, standing squarely, shoulder to shoulder, moved a pace forward as one.  
"Let's go!" Ollie hissed," you don't take on the Caledonia Mafia, Emma, it could get nasty."  
"That's right, darlin'," Malcolm hissed, "you'd best take your tight little pussy and your Blue Peter badge wearing ponce and run for the hills, before I get REALLY pissed!"  
Ollie grabbed Emma firmly by the arm and pulled her quickly away, she looked back as if to have the last word, but the combined expressions of Malcolm and Jamie, made her change her mind. Within seconds they were out of sight.  
Malcolm blew out his cheeks,  
"Well, I fucking never saw THAT coming, what a cunt!"  
Turning to Jamie and Ellie, he was surprised to see them holding each other by the forearms and squealing with gales of laughter, barely able to speak, tears rolled down Ellie's cheeks, as she fought to regain control.  
Sam, frowned quizzically....  
"I didn't think it was THAT funny! Bloody cheek of that bitch, God.....she's got a ten foot spike up her arse!"  
Then suddenly, she and her husband dissolved into a fit of the giggles too. Only Little Jamie had slept through the whole thing.  
Jamie seized the moment.....  
"Well, I don't suppose there's any way you'd consider going out with me, after me just making a prat of myself, is there?"  
He scrunched his shoulders, hands held out, palms uppermost and gave Ellie his best puppy-eyes.  
Malcolm and Sam exchanged a glance.  
Ellie dabbed her eyes with a tissue, she beamed a smile at him.  
"Well, Mr. McDonald, it would appear you need an outlet for all that testosterone. So I suppose I'd better say yes!"  
"Really?" His eyebrows arched, "seriously......I mean.....wow, okay!"  
Lunch in the sunshine; in the little cafe; the four of them, watching wee Jamie attempting to eat an ice lolly, for the first time, and being completely covered in it! Laughing, chatting easily, enjoying the moment, special times that are above value.

Sam's time grew near. Just two weeks to go. She'd opted for home birth again. Somehow, the anticipation seemed more marked than before. Apart from the discomfort of being very large, Sam had a trouble free pregnancy but was looking forward to it being over and done with.  
Malcolm found that his wife, in this condition, was extremely arousing, mind you, he always found her that way, if truth be known. But like this she positively glowed, the swell of her belly, and the dark line down its centre, her enlarged breasts and nipples, the radiance of her skin and hair, being able to feel their child moving inside her, he just loved it.  
He had always possessed a strong sex drive, which had not really diminished as he'd reached middle age, and, well, Sam just did it for him, simple as that!

Jamie had invited the couple over to his place for a quiet evening and a meal. Ellie was working and he wanted to cook for them all as a thank you, for.....well, for everything. His relationship with Ellie had really taken off. In short, Jamie had 'got it bad'. He often cooked for her, as she frequently worked late. They had grown close in the preceding months.  
Tina (Sam's sister-in-law) had offered to babysit wee Jamie and Sam was grateful as she'd been feeling tired all day and had a chronic backache, which has worsened as the day progressed. 

Arriving in good time, they were ushered inside. Jamie's flat was a masculine place, a bachelor pad, all wooden floors and laminate, minimalist, and scrupulously tidy. He was very OCD about keeping everywhere spotless. Ellie was due home in a couple of hours, so they had time to have a drink and a chat before they ate.  
Sam excused herself and went to the loo.  
Moments later an anguished cry, bought both men rushing to the bathroom door.  
"Um....Malc, I think you need to phone the midwife.....urgently!"  
From the floor, where she sank, as a sudden strong contraction hit her, Sam reached up and unlocked the door. Her waters had broken.  
She panted through the intense pain,  
"I don't want to worry you boys, but I can feel the head, I think it's going to come any minute!" She gasped against the agony.  
"Oh fuck me!" Malcolm cried," what do we do?"  
"We need towels and boiling water," Jamie shouted, completely panicked....  
"That's what they always say......towels and boiling water!"  
"Jamie, this is not a Dickens novel, for fuck sake, get a grip!"  
"Well, don't fucking ask me! I've never done this before.....you have!" He retorted.  
Sam groaned.  
"Great, so I'm about to give birth and all I've got to rely on are bloody dumb and dumber!"  
She winced as another pain started.  
"Malc.......phone the midwife......Jamie, find something to cut and clip the chord with....those plastic clips you use on frozen peas will do, and something to wrap the ba........oh.....Shit!"  
She gripped Malcolm's hand, riding the wave of pain.  
Malcolm dialled one handed, the nurse answered and would try to be with them ASAP.  
"Where shall I go?" Jamie asked, "I can't stay here looking between the legs of my best friends wife.....it's just.....well it's just......."  
"Oh for FUCKS SAKE Jamie...." She yelled, "I don't fucking care.....hold my bloody knee for the love of God........agghhhh!"  
Another contraction hit.  
"Malcolm Tucker, if I EVER have to go through this again I will tie off your bollocks personally, I swear to God......oh, shit.......fuck! It's coming, Malcolm, just remember what the midwife did last time....okay.......now do it. I fucking need you to help!"  
The head was born, and Malcolm, kneeling on the wet floor, eased it gently round, waiting for the next contraction, for the baby's shoulder to follow, feeling for the chord with his fingers, to check it was not looped around the baby's neck. Jamie knelt on her other side, jaw slack, eyes riveted, a mixture of horror, amazement and admiration for both Malcolm and Sam.  
"This is it darlin' " he whispered to his wife, " just one more, gentle one, okay, you're doing so great, and I'm so fucking proud of you!"  
Malcolm delivered his own child, there, on Jamie's bathroom floor, as the doorbell chimed heralding the arrival of the midwife.  
"Fucking hell, Sam......it's another boy.....and he's a whopper!" Malcolm swung the infant out and onto the towel, it wailed lustily.  
"Christ, Malc.......look at him, he's hung like a fucking stallion," Jamie breathed, and coughed with a rising giggle.  
"Just like his Dad then! " Malcolm chuckled.  
Emotion got the better of him then, as the midwife came to take control, he relinquished the child and cradled Sam in a tearful embrace.  
"My beautiful, clever girl, look what you've done again.....you are the most wonderful.......I just fucking love you so much, yeah? So fucking much!"  
Sam caressed his wet cheek, and smiled gently at him. Then put her arms around his neck, hugging him close.  
"Oh, Malc, I love you too, more than I can ever say.....look at him, he's such a beautiful boy!  
But hey, Malc......let's call it a day, yeah? No Tuckers eleven!"  
"Fair enough, love! More careful then yeah?" They laughed together.  
She reached for Jamie's hand, fingers touching. His chest felt tight and constricted, a lump in his throat. Moments later he stood in his kitchen and leaned heavily against the counter.  
Malcolm, face still flushed, joined him.  
"Fuck me! Malc, you just delivered your own baby, that's pretty fucking amazing....even for you! I've never witnessed anything like that in my life, I bloody well feel like blubbing!"  
"Soft prat!" Malcolm laughed and drew his friend into a crushing man hug.  
"If ever I have a kid, and I hope I do, I want it to feel as fucking awesome as tonight!"  
"You will, Jamie, course you will! How are you and Ellie going, by the way?"  
"Truthfully? I fucking love her to bits mate, but I haven't told her yet, too fucking scared I'll frighten her off!"  
"Take my advice, brother, tell her......life's too fucking short......why miss out?"  
At that moment the midwife came in.  
"Sam's all tucked up in your bed, Mr. McDonald......a few hours rest and you'll be able to take her home, Malcolm. I'll come and visit her there. She's absolutely fine!"  
She placed the baby into his arms.  
Now an expert hand at this baby lark, Malcolm cradled his newborn son, peering down at the button nose and rosebud mouth.  
"It's a fucking miracle, that's what it is." Jamie whispered, looking at the little bundle.  
"What are you going to call him?" He asked, "or haven't you thought?"  
"Robert Alistair.......that's my Dad and Sam's Dad," Malcolm replied, " but he'll probably be Robbie."  
"Guess you'll have to be godfather again, since you were there to witness him coming into the world!"  
"I'd be honoured, mate," Jamie replied, voice choked.  
And he was.

**Author's Note:**

> Robbie's birth closely mirrors a close friend of mine, who had her second baby in less than 45 minutes on her bathroom floor, having had no more build up to labour than backache all day. The second stage of labour was 20 minutes from start to finish. Her son arrived before the ambulance and her husband delivered him!
> 
>  
> 
> This was a really quick fic. It was the result of several ideas which I abandoned....always write what you know....that's what they say!! So hope you enjoyed it!!


End file.
